November 03, 2006
Hybrid
I’m going through though days, which make me think and analyze my life a lot. And sometimes, when you think a lot, you can’t control your train of thought.
I’m dangling. My personal life, my identity, the future, all are ambivalent. Every now and then you hear this question that who are you? Where are you from? What is your identity? What’s your religion? Are you a feminist? What kind of feminist are you? And even if nobody asks, you keep questioning yourself about them. In a crap talk I attended today, the presenter made everybody uncomfortable by asking us to write down and discuss what our religion is. Immediately I wrote “atheist,” but then I paused. Can this be called a religion? Does the word atheist say it all? And I remembered numerous people who have assumed I’m a Moslem, just because I’m from the Middle East. There were even people wondering why I’m not fasting in Ramadan or why I don’t wear veil. So, when I’m perceived as a Moslem, am I still just an atheist? Or am I an atheist perceived as a Moslem? Or am I an atheist who is still very much entangled with Islamic discourses because her life, her body, her history are all entangled with Islam? What kind of atheist I am when I don’t dare to publicly announce it, when I say I'm a none-practicing Moslem to some people, fearing to be viewed as an apostate and thus subject to death?
In another class the professor asked whether we consider ourselves feminists. I raised my hand immediately. But then I thought is the word feminist saying it all? Or should I add some elements to it, explaining what kind of feminist I am? Am I a feminist when I believe in women’s rights on their bodies, yet defending women who choose veil? Should I criticize the concept of choice here to be considered a feminist? Then what about women’s agency? Am I a liberal feminist because I’m interested in legal rights of women? Am I a liberal feminist because I think a gender revolution is impossible in Iran, so we should go for a reform? Then why do I hate liberal feminism? Why in the bottom of my heart I hate kissing the ass of Iranian authorities by signing petitions that address them directly? What other options do I have when I can’t participate in a gender revolution? How can I avoid reproducing power through reform and yet avoid expenses of a bloody revolution? What kind of feminist am I when I consciously or unconsciously reproduce or sustain power/hegemony?
And who the fuck am I? An Iranian? An Eye-ranian? A 28-year-old woman? A Middle Eastern? A feminist? An activist? A nobody, student in the US? A citizen of the world?
Why do I care so much about the women’s movement in Iran while I’m not physically there? Why am I spending most of my time on activities related to women’s movement in Iran, while sooner or later I’ll hear from friends and enemies inside Iran that I don’t have the legitimacy to criticize the strategies of the movement because of not being physically there? Why can’t I concentrate on activities that might secure a well-paying job in the US for me? Why do I hate applying for internships that have nothing to do with women’s movements in general and Iran’s women’s movement in particular? Is this because the sense of identity being part of Iran’s women’s movement gives me? Am I afraid that I will be nobody if I’d be striped from my history and my experiences in Iran? So, if being part of the movement gives me a sense of identity, what the fuck am I doing in the US? Why do I like studying here? Why am I so happy that I had this great opportunity/privilege to be in women’s studies classes here? Why do I like to be recognized here in the US as a person with full rights and abilities? Why do I get mad being treated as nobody here while I have the option to go back and be part of a community who recognizes me?
Who am I? What is my identity? Seriously!
| Leva @ 05:46 PM | November 3, 2006 |
|
You know Sanam joon |
| leva @ 07:10 PM | November 3, 2006 |
|
By Working out , i didnot mean GYM. I did mean my job. |
| Mystery Meat @ 08:33 PM | November 3, 2006 |
|
If you are 28, it's a bit early for a mid-life crisis, but that sounds like what is happening to you. It's easier for men; we get a new girlfriend or buy a sports car. You have a great opportunity in your life right now. Take advantage of it. You true friends won't begrudge you this experience. The world's problems will still be there when school is over. Great things are ahead of you. |
| sheernejad @ 09:45 AM | November 4, 2006 |
|
I understand your feelings very well. Now you can perhaps see a glimmer of how if feels like to be an Iranian that has spent some time on the outside. Before you know it, your farsi will get an accent, you'll be seeing things a bit differently and you won't be consdiered a full Iranian any more. You'll be an Iranian-X, or Iranian-american or an Iranian-german or an Iranian that has been outside of Iran for too long. But also think how hurtful it feels when fresh off the boat Iranians come and tell you you are spoiled, shallow and "don't know what you want" or are "yek jooree hastand". I personally feel that that is not the case, simply the things that Iranians living outside of Iran have been exposed to are different, and therefore see matters from a different angle, but that doesn't necessarily make them any less caring or any of the adjectives above. |
| David @ 03:05 PM | November 5, 2006 |
|
Dear Sanam, It sounds like you are feeling a lot of self doubt right now! I can certainly understand your hesitancy to announce that you are an atheist. When I decided that I was an atheist many years ago, I found that most people were quite rejecting of my lack of religious belief. Its almost like they hated me more because I rejected all god concepts as opposed to simply rejecting their particular religious beliefs. I even heard someone I used to work with say that all atheists should be killed! Well, I certainly did not discuss my thoughts about religion with him! However, my religious thinking has evolved somewhat over the years. I began to wonder if I was really completely an atheist. For example, I have no knowledge of how the universe came to exist. Perhaps some form of intelligence assisted or caused the "Big Bang". Maybe they had an accident in a laboratory and destroyed themselves! Sometimes I wonder if physicists might create a new universe someday with all their giant particle accelerating and colliding toys! Well, that would probably be the end of us if they do! Anyway, to me it is not important how the universe came to exist. I think that what is important is how human beings treat each other, and how they co-exist with the other living things on this planet. If a person has religious beliefs, and if those beliefs help that person to live in peace and harmony with other people, then I have no problem with that person and her/his beliefs. However, if religious beliefs cause a person to murder others who think differently, then I have a big problem with those beliefs! Another example of why I may not be a complete atheist is that I do find things that are worthy of veneration, or at least of deep appreciation. I love nature! I love ancient trees and forests! I love to see wild animals living free in places undisturbed by people. I feel a sense of wonder when I look at telescopic pictures of amazing things that exist far beyond our solar system. Within the human sphere, I have heard some people say that god is Love. Well, I have a deep appreciation of people who work together to help another person in need. It gives me great satisfaction to be a part of such an effort. So, maybe there is an aspect of the divine in the love and compassion that people are capable of showing for each other. You are asking yourself many questions regarding your thoughts and feelings about feminism, and how that relates to your identity as an Iranian woman. Well, being an American man, I am afraid that I can't be of much help to you here! However, I will say that I have always admired and respected the dedication that you have shown toward helping women in Iran to increase their rights and freedoms. I don't think that women's rights in Iran can be achieved in only a few years, but perhaps in a few decades things could be a lot better. I think that educated women are far more likely to be economically and socially empowered. What can be done to improve access to higher education for all Iranian women, especially in poor areas? I truly hope that you can find answers to some of your questions and resolution to some of your doubts! You are a good and caring person, so try to keep in mind that you deserve to find some happiness in life! :) Good luck and take care. |